Snow Cops
by LordeKardashian
Summary: Welcome to the arctic. This is as cold as it gets. The only civilians you'll find around here are the odd penguin waddling around. Sent to this place for their own misdemeanour, a group of police officers must keep the peace in this frozen tundra. They are, snow cops. Starring: New Zealand as Kaelin, Australia as Jack, America as Alfred, Germany as Ludwig and England as Arthur
1. Society's a Bitch

**I. Society's a bitch**

_Welcome to the arctic. This is as cold as it gets. The only civilians you'll find around here are the odd penguin waddling around. Sent to this place for their own misdemeanour, a group of police officers must keep the peace in this frozen tundra. They are, snow cops._

"Holy. Fuck. On. A. Stick" said Jack standing in the middle of the snow shivering as the wind nearly blew him into his younger sister and partner in crime, Kaelin.

"Yes I know, you're cold, so am I. And do you know how fat I look with all these layers?" Said Kaelin rolling her green eyes and shifting her weight to her right foot. Their 'friends' thought it would be funny to get the pair matching lime green and gold snow suits like some demented, private school girl, vomit version of the Australian Olympic team track suits. And you know what, dear reader? It was fucking hilarious. And if you hadn't already guessed they were from Australia. Well sort of. Jack was born in Australia and Kaelin in New Zealand. So the joke of dressing her up as an Australian was not appreciated on her part.

The Trans-Tasman siblings faked their way into the police force in order to steal things from crime scenes and other criminals. So they were never really cops in the first place, but the other officers couldn't think what to do with them since they had already escaped prison thrice.

They were cunning, sly and quick, like foxes.

Ringadingding mother fucker.

"Alright you can come inside now!" Yelled the American cop sticking a white; red and blue flag out the window and waving it about in an uncontrollable and messy show of true patriotism. The American had always wanted to be a police officer, ever since he was a little child. He had what you would call, a hero complex. He loved to be the hero. And when he finally became an officer he soon realised that there wasn't as many crimes going on as he had thought. So he started committing them himself.

Not very heroic at all.

When the other officers found out about his doings, or rather, un-doings, they wanted to find a place as far away from anyone else as possible.

The arctic tundra.

Right in the middle of no where.

Alfred, our American friend, opened the door and let the two southerners inside.

"Welcome back!" Exclaimed a middle aged English man twisting his lovely new blonde dick tickler (aka moustache) and adjusting his glasses.

Not a monocle - despite what you may think.

Jack and Kaelin began slowly taking off all their layers and hanging them up and enjoying the heat of the little house. Arthur, our not so jolly Englishman, isn't one of the misfits sent to the icy tundra for his crimes, he was sent to look after them all, someone has to keep them all in order, and who better than an Englishman. Kaelin flipped her long peroxide-blonde hair out of the beanie and was down to a knit jumper and a pair of skin tight jeans - just what every sassy criminal female needs. She jumped as she felt hands caress her hips.

"Get off or I'll slap you" she growled at the Frenchman currently cupping his unpleasantly callused hands over her bottom.

He was sent there for reasons you've probably already guessed.

"Oh come on mon chéri, you're too beautiful not to touch" he said pulling her closer to him. Kaelin gave a sarcastic laugh before snarling

"Beautiful things are made to be looked at, not touched" she snapped holding Pierre's wrists tightly and forcing them into his hairy chest.

Jack took off his last coat and hung it up before growling at the smug Englishman for sending them out to the cold. Arthur chuckled, sitting in his green arm chair. All he needed was a hat and a pipe and he'd be Sherlock Holmes.

"Why did we have to stand in the snow for so long!? Nothing even happens here anyway!" Said Jack running and skidding across the tile floor in his woollen socks.

"I just wanted to see what happens when you send a tropical creature into the snow" said Arthur restraining himself from cackling like a psychopath at his hilarious joke. Kaelin looked over to him completely unimpressed. Jack stopped skidding right before he crashed into the wall and turned to Arthur.

"Why us though!? Why not send Yankee doodle over there!" He said pointing at Alfred - a little more dramatically than necessary - who was sitting on the couch playing super Mario on his Gameboy. He looked up at the people staring at him.

"YANKEE DOODLE WENT TO TOWN RIDING ON A PONY!" he yelled bouncing round the room

"Aahhhh make it stop!" Yelled Pierre putting pillows over his ears.

"Oh for gods sake shut you face!" Yelled Henry throwing a book at the dancing American

"The Art of War?" Read Alfred. examining the book, "are you planning on waging war on the penguins!?" Arthur marched over and snatched the book from him

"Its a classic you uneducated swine!" Exclaimed Arthur sitting back down with his tea and folding his legs

"They done releasing sexual tension yet?" Asked Jack leaning on Kaelin's shoulder.

"FOR THE LAST BLOODY TIME I'M NOT GAY!" yelled Arthur slamming his book shut and nearly knocking his tea off its table. Kaelin giggled, turning her face away from the bright red Englishman

"If you say so darl" said Kaelin rolling her eyes and folding her arms.

"My word is worth millions" huffed Arthur shortly before furiously sipping at his tea.

"Well, when you're ready, I'm willing" said Alfred with a cheeky smile and a sexy sashay.

"ALRIGHT WHO CLOGGED THE TOILET WITH THEIR MONSTER SHIT!?" Yelled a mountain - no wait that's a man -interrupting Arthur's well-planned and cutting rebuttal. He stood in the door way holding a toilet brush covered in brown specks like some kind of fuzzy battle axe. The group jumped when the loud German voice boomed through the house/igloo/marshmallow. After they recovered from the sudden-impact-German they looked around and shrugged nonchalantly

"Why don't you ask the man who eats twice his body weight daily" said Arthur putting on his glasses and returning to his book. The Southerners snickered and the American looked around

"Hey no! I'm a growing man I need my food!" Exclaimed Alfred slamming his hands down on the couch - more melodramatics.

"Well next time..." Ludwig, the German geriatric, said trying not to snap the toilet brush in half, "MAKE SURE YOU CLEAN IT UP!" he stormed off down the hall and slammed the door to his room after throwing the speckled toilet brush down the hall.

"Well, you heard the man, clean up your shit" said Kaelin picking up the toilet brush with her thumb and index finger as if it carried the black plague and threw it at it at Alfred, spraying the little brown specks across the living room.

Ludwig was one of the best police officers in Frankfurt, he always put up the best chases through the back alleys and streets of the city. But if you hadn't already guessed, dear reader, our German geriatric has a slight anger management issue which, to make a long story short, put him on the first ship to the arctic. Arthur sighed and went back to his book as Alfred walked down the hall to the bathroom

"OH GOD- ITS A DEMON POOP!" he yelled running out of the bathroom only to be greeted by Jack who pushed him back in, locking the door from the outside - Henry made sure all the rooms had the ability to do so - and sitting down on the old, burgundy couch. Kaelin said that it was clearly just red, but Arthur was such a pompous bastard that of course the useless lump had to be 'burgundy'.

_So that dear reader is our band of miss fits come to protect the penguin civilians from whatever lies in the near future._


	2. The Daily Waddler

**II. The Daily Waddler **

_When we last left our capable criminals, they were forcing the Southerners to patrol the area. This Sunday, under the strict and over bearing eye of the German Geriatric, our team go out on a group patrol._

This Sunday was not a particular Sunday at all. In fact, it was like every other Sunday, the team sat around in the pillow/tent/cloud arguing over what to watch on the telly while Arthur groaned and tried to get on with his book.

Outside the dildo/spaceship/snow hill the penguins gathered in their little colony. One penguin looked up from his copy of the Daily Waddler and saw off in the distance through the fog a group of people walking toward him. He nudged his neighbour who took off his fish-scaled eye glasses and jumped nudging his neighbour. Soon the message was sent around the whole colony that humans were fast approaching. Following behind Fat Tony - the largest penguin in the colony - the whole colony slid on their stomachs into the water after Fat Tony broke the ice.

"How queer," said Arthur, adjusting his glasses and looking around deserted area, "I could have sworn there was a colony here..." he bent down and picked up a dropped copy of the Daily Waddler, "Curiouser and Curiouser" Arthur went on as Ludwig sighed impatiently

"Can we just get on with this patrol before I freeze to death" said Ludwig trudging ahead of the group. His powerful legs crushed the snow like daisies and his arms swung in full soldier march mode. His pale blue eyes were firmly fixed on the bleak and unchanging view that continued to open up around him. The snow crunched under his feet and his boiling anger almost seem to melt the snow, leaving a trail over the white tundra.

"Agreed, I can feel my fingers going numb!" Said Kaelin rubbing her hands together and breathing on them. Little puffs of air hung in the air over her gloved hands before disappearing.

"Well you can always come to me when you're cold" said Pierre extending his arms toward her and putting on his most charismatic smile.

"I would rather eat a blood wurst" said Kaelin starting to walk off. Jack giggled - in a manly way.

"That's what she said" he said

"But not to you!" Yelled Kaelin trudging off and joining the geriatric German. Alfred snickered and followed her shoving Jack along the way. The two had built up a strong friendship over the months - and when the heating system faltered they had been known to cuddle up in the laundry; for heating reasons. Arthur held back a laugh, pulling a face that looked like he had just put an entire lemon in his mouth at once. Arthur walked through the snow, holding his head high and his arms square behind his back, like the dignified sir he was. He could hear Jack muttering under his breath following Alfred. Arthur took in a deep breath the cold air pierced his throat and almost froze his lungs, normally he wasn't such a fan of cold, wet things but today wasn't such a terrible day in fact it was quite-

"OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IS THIS I'M ALL WET SOMEONE HELP ME UP DON'T JUST STAND THERE!" yelled Arthur after he had tripped over something solid, but at the same time slimy like rotten fruit. He landed in the snow with an extremely dignified thud, followed by a crunch and then a defeated sag. However, the team seemed less concerned about him and more concerned about the dead body he had fallen over.

"Looks like he was shot in the chest multiple times, judging by the look of the corpse it was about 10 hours ago" said Alfred examining the body. Despite his idiotic disposition, Alfred was a good police officer, no matter how psychopathic he seemed.

"Oh my god" gasped Kaelin as she uncovered the body of a dog lying nearby. She dropped to her knees in the snow. Internally screaming for the dog.

"It's a double suicide!" Exclaimed Jack looking at the gunshot wound to the dog's head. He squatted down like he was about to have a shit and separated the thick fur around the bullet wound. He smiled, examining the bits of blood and brains splayed over the snow under the dog, proud that he had figured out what happened

"What, you think the dog stabbed its owner and then shot itself? Use your brain boy!" Said Arthur after picking himself up out of the snow and fixing the moustache adorning his upper lip.

"If you have one" snickered Kaelin. Alfred smiled brightly up at Kaelin and the snow almost seemed to momentarily melt with the scorching heat of their stare. Alfred went for a high five, and their gloved hands lingered in the air, pressed together by an unknown force.

"You're on fire today" He said, his voice almost a whisper and his heart pounding in his throat. Slowly his fingers interlaced with hers. The short-lived moment of teenage-standard lust - so thick you could literally see it oozing out of their eyeballs - was interrupted at an untimely moment by the commanding voice of Ludwig.

"CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS!" Arthur nodded at Ludwig, while trying to dust all the snow off his pants - with fleeting success.

"Indeed, let us take these two bodies back to the igloo for further analysis, I believe we have a murderer on loose" Arthurs aid grimly, looking out over the tundra and waiting for the chorus of dramatic music to pick up behind him. Ludwig picked up the dog and the man and began trudging back to the dome/light/stadium.

_What will our heroes do next dear reader? They have discovered two bodies in the tundra where a penguin colony once sat. Are the penguins not as innocent as they seem?_


	3. Ying Tong Iddle Eye Po

**III. Ying Tong Iddle Eye Po**

_After previous events, dear reader, the team have been combing the area for any other bodies. Henry has been used as a make-shift detector and several other scientific instruments have been used, such as egg beaters._

"Oh woe is me! Oh my troubles are great! Oh!" Moaned Arthur as they searched through the arctic for more dead bodies or a murderer. Kaelin and Alfred walked a few paces ahead of the group, cranking the handles to the egg beaters, stirring up the snow.

"Oh shut up, you sound like you are having bad sex" snapped Pierre trudging past him, his hands buried deep in his pockets.

"But I'm tired! Can't we go home!? We've been out here for _at least _3 hours!" Whined Arthur, his feet were dragging through the thick snow, leaving long canyons in the seemingly unbroken snow. Ludwig quickly whipped around, spinning on his heels, he glared a hole through Arthur head, and he puffed out his chest like a sadistic chicken trying to intimidate a fox.

"Shut your ugly, moustached face and continue walking! You sound like a child! And you're meant to be an adult! There is a murderer on the loose and all you can think about is yourself!" Said OliverYelled Ludwig, bringing his face so close to Arthur's, that Arthur could see the cavities in his untouched wisdom teeth. Arthur looked around to the group for assistance but they just stared and shrugged before continuing on walking.

"Ying tong iddle eye po!" Arthur blurted out, making Ludwig recoil and stare at the blonde Englishman. Ludwig shook his head and continued walking. He wanted nothing to do with that brand of crazy.

"Oh, I didn't think there would be this many people here" said a voice behind the group. They all turned around and could see a silhouette of a woman approaching through the thick white blur before them.

"Who's there!?" Demanded Arthur searching the silhouette for a face.

"Don't be so worried!" Said the woman revealing herself

"Florence Welsh?" Said Alfred cocking his head to the side. Kaelin gasped and Jack looked around confused - wondering what he was missing. Ludwig, who did not know this strange woman - nor did he care who she was - sighed and looked at her, holding the bridge of his nose and looking at the woman impatiently.

"We are the snowcops, there was a murder recently and we were wondering if you had any information on it" he said in his most polite and tolerant voice. The woman smiled sweetly

"Not at all, sorry, but come down to the shop with me, you might find something there" she said motioning for the group to follow her. Kaelin sped ahead, walking along beside Florence

"I'm a huge fan of your music, I especially love _Rabbit Hearted Girl_!" She said smiling brightly,

"and also I'm glad I'm not the only female here...its starting to get to me" Florence chuckled and tucked her hands into her suit.

"Thank you, and don't worry there's plenty of other females up here, but I don't see what you're complaining about you've got quite a good looking group... I want to lick them" she said with a chuckle and a lick of her lips. Kaelin raised an eyebrow and looked down at the snow, she was kidding right? Right…?

"They're alright, but just stay away from the Frenchman" said Kaelin pointing to Pierre with her thumb. Pierre noticed and blew a kiss at Kaelin and Florence, he imagined the little kiss travelling through the wind and diving down the front of their suits so that maybe one part of him could touch the boobies. Florence giggled and Kaelin gave a death stare.

"Mm yes, he does look yummy..." said Florence licking her lips again. Kaelin raised both her eyebrows this time and shook her head.

"Are you alright?" Asked Kaelin, "its not normal to want to eat people"

"OKAY FINE I DID IT!" screamed Florence stopping and grabbing Kaelin's shoulders and squeezing the life out of her, purple bruising rising on Kaelin's skin as Florence applied more pressure, "I ATE THOSE MEN, THEY JUST LOOKED SO DELICIOUS AND I STARTED WITH LICKING THEIR FACES BUT THEN I WANTED MORE SO I ATE THEM!" Kaelin looked at her in shock. There was a cannibal on the loose and they didn't know? Shit, maybe she was going to cook them all up for Sunday Roast when she invited them to her shop.

"You what?" She said looking completely bewildered.

Suddenly Florence began singing the opening of _Immigrant Song_ as purple and green flames began to circle her like a tornado. Sending waves of colours and purple flames toward the colourless snow. The group ran over to Kaelin and Florence. Ludwig began shouting madly at the fire and Henry fumbled around with his hand-cuffs. Jack looked around for things to steal and Pierre fell too his knees with an undignified crunch.

"And we loose another sexy lady!" wailed Pierre, lifting his arms to the unforgiving blue sky.

"Can we not focus on the situation!?" Shouted Alfred as the flames intensified and blew papers and penguins - that appeared to come from nowhere - around the tornado

"NOW THAT YOU KNOW MY SECRET I MUST LEAVE!" she shouted as she and the flames disappeared making it rain penguins and papers. Kaelin stared at the place where the fire tornado was and the sudden gathering of confused looking penguins before turning back to the equally confused Alfred.

"Well men - and Kaelin. We just solved our first case!" said Arthur as the whole group rolled their eyes at him, like a group of unimpressed teenagers, "Ying tong iddle eye po"

_Their first case solved! However, the team are no closer to discovering who murdered the man and his dog. What a pity._


End file.
